The Bravery to Feel
How often do we think that we are weak if we feel ANYTHING other than happy? I know for a really long time this was true for me. I thought if I wasn't "fine" or "good," people would think I didn't have it all together. I worried that having a wide range of feelings meant I was too much for anyone and would make it harder for me to connect with others. What if we could change this?
Why is Feeling Sad so Bad?
I don't know the exact origin of this sentiment, but I do know it has been around for a very long time. Suppose I put myself in the shoes of those who grew up during wars, economic depressions, or even more destructive pandemics. I can only imagine that simplifying your feelings may have felt like the only option for survival in those shoes. Our society has rewarded happiness for a long time and made it weak to show unpleasant emotions.
When a child cries, most adults are quick to say, "stop crying" or "brush it off." Comments like this come much too quickly for so many of us. I'm a therapist, and I find myself reverting to this old habit with my kids more than I am proud of. What we learn as children makes an impact. The way we are spoken to as a child becomes how we talk to ourselves as adults. So, it only makes sense that I apologize when I feel sad and maybe CRY in front of someone, right? These long-standing attitudes impact us in our friendships and romantic relationships too. If sad is bad, I think it is safe to say it's uncomfortable. A friend might be sharing something challenging, and with every good intention, we might reply, "don't feel bad ."But why? Because it is REALLY hard to sit with someone who we care about without trying to make it better.
What if Feeling Sad was Brave?
I know letting yourself feel sad, upset, embarrassed, and any of those other “unnecessary” feelings does NOT feel good, let alone courageous. But….let’s think about what being brave really means. First, think about someone you think of when you hear the word BRAVE. Someone that quickly comes to mind for me is my mom. She is driven and not afraid to stand up for herself or anyone else she cares about. She continues to pursue her passions, like dance, mentoring, and being a badass businesswoman, even after facing challenges that tried to knock her down. I watched, as a ninth-grader, as she showed up and worked so hard in physical therapy after she was physically assaulted by a student. I watched her navigate with grace the many challenges of balancing motherhood, professional life, and being a wife. I would guess many of you would notice similar strengths in the person you think of as being brave too.
In a conversation with my mom earlier this week, I genuinely connected with the idea of being vulnerable, allowing yourself to feel the discomfort in feeling. The courage to share with others is possibly the bravest thing we can do. Last November, my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. Thankfully, she was adamant about getting her mammogram (even when I suggested waiting because of the Covid-19 numbers) and was able to catch it early. Again, she showed all of us that bravery and strength seen before. However, this time, I saw an inner strength that made me realize true courage. She experienced fear and allowed herself to explore it. She felt sadness and loss, and she let that wash over her. As she tried to let it in, she would remind me, "I am strong," "I'm going to fight this ."I did not doubt that she was strong, but I could tell that she was trying to remind herself because of our society's ideas that these difficult feelings are not strong. Now she is almost one-year post-chemo and continues to show her physical strength. Earlier this week, she shared that the emotions caught her by surprise but again reminded me, "I have been so strong, but it was just hard last night." At that moment, I finally pieced together a thought I had had every time she had shared something similar before. I knew she was strong in so many ways but her letting herself feel was probably the bravest thing I have seen her conquer.
Being vulnerable to our emotions is incredibly difficult. It is just as hard as climbing Everest or jumping out of a plane, maybe even harder. We are taught to be "tough" in all regards. It is even tougher to be exposed to ourselves or those around us. It goes against everything that we know consciously and unconsciously. It is forging our own path but allowing ourselves to stay present along the journey.
How to Find Your Bravery to Feel
When you notice something physically, mentally, or emotionally, pause and pay attention
Notice when that internal voice from growing up in our society tells you to "toughen up" or "stop crying" - Don’t ignore it, just listen to it
Remind yourself either out loud or inside, this is what I have been taught, not necessarily how I feel
Lean into the feelings, name them, notice how they impact your body, DO NOT rush them
Ask yourself what you need at this moment
Talk to a friend or someone close to you about the experience
If their discomfort leads to those old familiar attitudes on feelings, voice appreciation for their support but explains to them what you need – like "I know you really care but what I really need is someone to listen and just let me sit in this so I can process."
· If someone turns to you while hurting, dare to hold space, be curious, and acknowledge their strength in that moment
As we each find our courage to sit with those uncomfortable feelings, we can shift the narrative for all of us. Together we can build up the next generation to see the value in emotions. We can expand our definitions of courage to include the emotional work it takes to be present with our difficult moments. If you need help to find your bravery to feel, consider reaching out to a therapist to walk with you to find the courage within.