How to Boost Your Marriage After Becoming a Parent

To say that "becoming a parent changes your marriage" is obvious to those who are already parents and know the struggles that come with it. There is now another life involved in your relationship. But what most people who don’t have children yet do not understand is how becoming a parent changes your marriage. The foundation of your relationship before becoming parents helps determine whether the change is positive or negative. Marriage is work, and parenting is additional work. While being married should not feel like a job, it still holds some responsibilities and parenting itself can bring other duties as well. We want to help you find a balance between your relationship as a couple and as a family unit.

Recognizing Negative Feedback Loops

One of the most complex parts of becoming parents is time. Your child is developing and growing. Your child needs time with you as parents to nurture them and help them grow. But you are also both individuals that crave your alone time. So before a baby, you would balance your personal time and time spent together in order to get the most out of your relationship.

Well, now time needs to be divided into three ways and sometimes that can cut into your personal time or your allotted couple time. Here lies most couples' mistake. They prioritize couple time when they take care of the baby together but want to have their time as an individual to pursue their interests. When we say marriage is work, we mean it. If you are not putting effort into your marriage, you become two people raising a baby together. You may notice a decrease in the quality of your communication or ability to meet each other's needs. When you can't meet the needs of your partner, the arguments continue to increase in quantity. With a rise in arguments, you as a couple crave more time individually to avoid time spent fighting. This becomes a negative feedback loop that is incredibly hard to get out of.

Quality Gestures

We want to help couples recognize this feedback loop and offer ways for them to prevent this outcome. The simple problem is the adjustment of time. We understand that giving up more individual time can have a negative effect on your relationship as well. Do something small each day that shows you love your partner. An everyday commitment seems extreme, but we are not asking for grand gestures every day, just something that shows you are investing time in your spouse and that you love your spouse. Examples would be asking them to talk about their day, jumping to make coffee in the morning, do a chore around the house you know the other has been trying to get to, or even simply letting them know they do not have to push themselves to clean or make dinner that they can come to sit down. By doing something small each day, you are boosting that confidence in them. When their confidence level is heightened, so are their serotonin levels and drive them throughout the day.

Talking

Resentment is bred from silence. When your frustrations are not communicated due to love for the other who is exhausted or lack time, those feelings build up within yourself and cause a growing number of small and irrelevant fights to what you are holding in towards one another. Instead, try planning a time to talk about the subject and to speak candidly about it. Be mindful and respectful of each other’s feelings when talking about issues. Remember, you can only express how you feel. Do not project your feelings about a situation onto the other. You both own your concerns, and you both own what you need from the other. Most healthy resolutions stem from taking your concerns and needs and finding a place you can meet in the middle that works for both of you. Sounds simple, right? We know this is not as easy as it sounds. It may take multiple conversations but what is key is knowing there is an equal effort on both sides. Often, it is the effort behind the action rather than the actual action to resolve the problem that meets your spouse's needs. We all want love, and we also want people to put in the effort to make us feel loved.

Finding a Balance

In a stereotypical relationship, you see the mom up in the middle of the night taking care of the baby. But nothing about life has to be a certain standard, traditional, or typical type of way. If your child has two moms or two dads, there can still be an imbalance in the relationship. When there is an imbalance, resentment can build between partners. It can build from the desire to be in the other person’s shoes because your perception of their life and their role in the family unit seems better than your own. If you find yourself constantly cooking, cleaning, and caring for the child while the other is resting, there should be a balance where you can get some rest while they take on more to help. To get to this ideal space in a healthy way, a conversation needs to be had when emotions are low. While perception is just opinion, your partner's feelings and stance are meant to be acknowledged. The next step is to lay out a compromise for your time parenting and time devoted to maintaining the household. Come back to this conversation often to help nurture the balance as your child grows.

Marriage is not easy. Marriage takes lots of hard work. But the transformation you will see in your partner once you become parents is fantastic. Of course, boosting your marriage after becoming a parent is up to you, but we are here to help!